I have been in this kind of rut. Not sure how to feel. What to feel. If I am even feeling anything. Just emotions everywhere and then no where. I have to constantly find it. To feel it. My life right now has been dull. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to her. I sometimes feel like she is slipping away. Or is it I that is slipping away.

I have been talking to someone new but that might end. I should end it. I have actually ended it saying we should just be friends but then I keep on going back to him. Doing the same things. Taking his constant verbal remarks like they didn’t bother me. Today I sent him a text of Good morning and he goes “i know what you’re doing”. I’m confused at this point and already mad. Like what the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t fucking do anything! What the fuck did I do now? FUCK! He goes on to say that I’m using a friends phone and texting him using a different phone. Like what the fuck! You are accusing me of something! Why does he turn everything so negative? UGH! FUCK! I’m done. I’m done being concerned about him. He’s a grown ass man. He could do what the fuck with his life. I don’t give a fuck anymore.

He hasn’t texted me since 10am.

Like I have grown to like him but after this morning I don’t know anymore how to feel about him. He brings out this madness in me that I don’t want to feel. I don’t need that in my life. Because it’s like a virus. It will eat away at my soul. At my being. I don’t feel like myself. Something has changed in me. Still trying to figure out what that may be.

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