One month later….

The new normal for me. Every other day for three times a week I have dialysis.

It’s been going well. Mentally I am getting stronger and not going back to that low depressed state I was in a month ago when I was on my hospital bed.

I am slowly getting better and watching the food I eat. I miss some of my favorite food but I know I could have them little at a time. I don’t over indulge like I use to.

One of the techs asked me to work part time at the dialysis center. I have thought about it and the center has actually called me before but I already was working for the hospital. I’m definitely going to work on my resume and send one in. I have observed the nurses at the dialysis center and it doesn’t look to hard to do and not too straining. I just can’t be standing too long. But I will turn in a resume.

I want to get back to working out as well. I have lost so much weight that I don’t even like the way my legs look. They use to be a bit bigger and muscular and I want to return it to that state but with my condition and with my dialysis its going to take awhile. I know I could do it. I would research about it online but i get so distracted or my medications kick in. Especially the ones to lower my blood pressure. One day I wasn’t thinking and I took two of my blood pressure pills together that I got sooo dizzy I sat on my couch and knocked out. Next thing i know 6 hours passed by.

I got a lot to do this month. Got several appointments. One of them is seeing a doctor that will be putting the AV fistula. We will see how it all goes.

 

Advertisements

The New Normal: Life on Dialysis

Adjusting to something new is hard. Got to get through it. I’m just so lucky to have my family with me.

My dad told me a story of his friend’s wife. She passed away recently. She also hid how she was feeling and wasn’t telling anyone that she was “not okay”. It was too late she had a heart attack and passed away in the hospital.

Once he told me that story i just had to step away for a minute and I looked at myself at the bathroom mirror and said “you fucking lucky bitch.” Yes i cussed at myself.

But here I am now. 34 and going through dialysis. My blood pressure still reaching abnormal high levels while on dialysis. I may receive news on my lab results tomorrow when I have dialysis treatment.

I’m already thinking of working. I don’t want to stay stuck at my house. The one thing that really is stressing me out are my credit card payments. I was soooo stupid. I have 5 credit cards and technically two loans totaling to more than $40000. I know it’s all on me. That’s why i want to start working to pay some of these off. Once all is paid off I will be stress free. It is the number one thing that keeps me awake at night. My DEBT.

I know I can pay it off. I just have to recover and go back to work. I know I’m going to have to work part time. Just as long as I have some kind of steady income I know I could pay it off.

I don’t think I will be working as hard as a nurse. I will have to work at a small clinic. I will take any office job. I just have to look around. I also have to renew my RN license. I am not letting that go to waste. NO. NO.

Anyways, my diet has been okay. I don’t eat to much and I don’t eat too little. It’s all about portion control. I went to mcdonalds yesterday with my family and i was tempted to eat some french fries and I fought it. I just had a side salad with no tomato. and with balsamic dressing.

Dad just informed me that basa is not a good fish to eat. I ate it for lunch and dinner yesterday. Could that explain my high blood pressure this morning? Okay i need to stay away from basa then. My mom just needs to cook it for herself then.

I need to get ready soon. I am meeting with some friends to watch a movie.

You did this to yourself..

It’s been a week since I was hospitalized and have gone through 5 dialysis treatments. Today will be my 6th day and the completion of my dialysis as an outpatient. I have been strict with my diet and also I eat when I need to eat. I don’t usually eat when I’m hungry. I have to stick to it. I will also be driving myself to dialysis. No one could really do it. Mom and sister are at work and dad can’t really drive as well. He is also a dialysis patient.

I laid awake in bed this morning and just kept thinking about how i should have went to the doctor earlier so they could have already seen I had high blood pressure. Was my kidneys failing really because of high blood pressure or was it something else? I really don’t know because I know I was eating right within this last year and to top it off I didn’t feel anything except the swelling on my feet and legs.

I should have stop going back to the past and move on. I have to take one day at a time but that’s so difficult. Easier said. My mind always goes back. Why did you do this to yourself?Why were you so afraid to get a diagnsosis? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Then I got a memory pop up on my facebook that eased my mind.

10 feel good thoughts for a bad day:

1. We are all in this together. – Nobody has it easy, we all have issues. When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. You will never know exactly what they are going through, and they will never know exactly what you are going through. We are all fighting our own unique war. But we are fighting through it simultaneously, together. Read The Road Less Traveled.

2. You aren’t supposed to be perfect. – Live life. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and those closest to you. Have fun – be a little crazy and weird. Go out and make mistakes – you’re going to anyway. Enjoy yourself, and exploit the countless opportunities to learn something along the way. Figure out what works and what doesn’t. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human and being YOU.

3. There are reasons to smile all around you. – A teenage girl blushed when I caught her playfully tickling her boyfriend as he looked for a book in the library – I smiled. A middle aged man got down on his knees and lovingly scratched his dog behind the ears as they waited to cross the street – I smiled. A little girl skipped in bright white shoes that were obviously new, happily kicking her feet far out in front of her to admire them – I smiled. On days when you don’t have much in your life to smile about, watch those who do and you’ll smile too.

4. Tough times help us grow. – We work hard to disown the parts of our lives that were painful, difficult, or sad. But just as we can’t rip chapters out of a book and expect the story to still make sense, so we cannot rip past chapters out of our lives and expect our lives to still make sense. Keep every chapter of your life intact, and keep on turning the pages. Sooner or later you’ll get to a page that brings it all together and you’ll suddenly understand why every page and chapter before it was needed.

5. Repetition is not failure. – In those frustrating moments when you find yourself standing face to face with an issue you battled before – one bearing a lesson you were sure you’d already learned – remember, repetition is not failure. Ask the waves, ask the leaves, ask the wind. Repetition is sometimes required to evolve and grow.

6. No matter what, you have a purpose. – Having a bad day? It’s okay. Put your hand on your heart. Feel that? That’s called ‘purpose.’ You’re alive for a reason. Don’t give up. You may lose the people you love. You may lose the things you have. But no matter happens, never lose yourself. Read A New Earth.

7. Being true to yourself is always the best option. – Being true to yourself is way better than being a liar just to impress everyone else. Don’t change so people will like you. You may not live up to everyone’s standards, but there are people out there who will love you just the way you are. And besides, people will judge you regardless, so you might as well be yourself when they do.

8. You don’t always have to be happy and cheerful. Sometimes you have to deal with issues and show others your uncomfortable side. It’s perfectly okay – it’s a natural part of being human. And the good news is that these tough moments will often show you who will accept you at your worst and who won’t.

9. Right now is a fresh start. – Talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems. It’s a bright new day – a new beginning. Your future is too bright to waste it fighting needless battles with old issues from the past. Read The Power of Now.

10. It’s okay to let some things go. – You need to understand that none of us are playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose – life always finds its balance. Don’t expect to get back everything you give, don’t expect recognition for all your efforts, and don’t expect your genius to be instantly discovered or your love to be understood by everyone. As you live and experience things, you must recognize what works and what doesn’t, what belongs and what doesn’t, and then let things go when you know you should. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because not everything is supposed to fit into your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were so you can become who you are.

NEVER NOT

BROKEN

I know. I know it’s been almost two years since my last post.

I have been hitting myself for the longest time because I use to write a lot and I just stopped after the “break-up”. I was doing a lot fo self reflecting and making stupid decisions these past two years but there have been success as well.

By the end of 2018, I finally passed the NCLEX and became a REGISTERED NURSE. I was so determined to pass the test and I did. I stopped drinking, going out and making stupid decisions because I had to think about my future. I was wallowing in depression when I could correct that myself. So I set a schedule of when I was going to take the test and I stuck to a study progrom for myself. Study in the morning, during break at work and also study after work. The only free day I had was SUNDAY. One day out fo the week. To top it off I was also working on another project. I was playing/singing a song everyday for a year for 365 days. That is 365 cover songs. All one minute long. I completed that. It felt great. The end of 2018 felt wonderful.

2019 hit and I was applying to local hospitals. I got an immediate interview and in less than a week I had a job offer. I gave my two weeks notice to the one job I actually love working at. The work environment is wonderful and the people I worked with are like family to me. I felt secure there and right now typing this I feel like I shouldn’t have left but ti was sometthing i needed to do to further my career and advance my knowledge and experience in the nursing field or better “MEDICAL” field.

So mid January 2019 hit and at my new job. I’m happy that I finally am working as a REGSISTERED NURSE. I was assigned to the medical-telemetry ward and almost had a total of 4 preceptors. All different and had ways of doing things but they are all great nurses. MY work hours consists of 12 hour shifts within a week i work three 12 hour shifts and then off for 3 days. Since I’m a new orientee I had more days off.

Besides all the work and everything i finally accomplished something was going on with me. I noticed that my legs were swelling up and I thought that it was because it was from standing up for so long at work. So i disregarded it. Then february hit and I was like okay the swelling is not going away. SO i decided to check my blood pressure. It was high. SO i decided to go on a diet. I decided to take out salt, sugar and oil out of my diet. I also didn’t eat breakfast in the morning and just ate when I had my breaks at work. Ohhh and our breaks were 30minutes. SO I started to eat healthy..kind of. I had fried food here and there. A steak, a hamburger or pizza.

March 2019 hits and I am watching videos on water fasting so I try it. I tried it for five days and my blood pressure actually normalized. But I felt something still different about me. My heart rate was a bit faster than usual. It was almost in the high 90s. Mind you i wasn’t doing any exercise at all.

April hits and my legs are still the same. I’m eating but more fruits, veggies. I know i am not eating unhealthy but still not eating breakfast. My legs would go back to normal once I am not standing anymore and elevate it or finally go to bed. By the end of April i resign from job and start working at a clinic instead.

The pay is less but the work is less and i didn’t get to stand to long or work long hours. Worked from monday to friday from 830-2pm maybe 5pm at the latest.

I noticed my legs were still getting swollen and a new symptom popped up. I was getting tired easily when I was walking and i was also having shortness of breath. This was the beginning of May. Then maybe the second week of May or could have been the first week I started to get a cough. It was a dry cough. I would check my blood pressure and  it was still high. I decided to go on to juicing and eating more healthier. ABSOLUTELY no fried or anything fast food.

The last days of May which were just last week my parents kind of had an intervention with me. I got home from work and then they wanted to check my blood sugar and my blood pressure. My blood pressure was not within normal limits. It was high. I don’t remember what it was but my dad had to give me some of his BP medications to bring it down. Not only that but I felt more swelling on my feet, legs and abdomen and it was getting tiring to walk around. We decided to go to the doctor on a Friday. We went he did his assessments and gave me lasix to take out the excess water. Also he wanted me to do labs and a chest xray. I did a chest xray that day and on saturday, June 8 I did labs. By Monday I got a call that the doctor wanted to see me.

THE RESULTS were not good. My kidneys were not functioning well. But the doctor didn’t tell me to go to the hospital or suggested to go. He just gave a referral to see a nephrologist. The next day my parents and I decided to go to public health to get MEDICAID since I don’t have insurance. I wasn’t feeling well the rest of the day. I was dizzy,lightheaded, my legs were still swollen and it slowed me down to walk and I had shortness of breath. My parents brought me to the hospital where i was admitted for 5 days. Within those 5 days i got a chest  xray, ct abdomen and pelvis, lots of blood work done, got a permacath placement put and had dialysis.

I am 34 years old and on dialysis. This is all on me and I definitely know it. I should have went to get a check up with a doctor but didn’t because I thought that I could take care of it myself. Here I believe in the natural ways of healing our bodies and it doesn’t work n me. I tried to eat healthy, i tried to stay away from meat products. I didn’t drink too much. I didn’t party too much anymore. I was being responsible and I finally even reached my goal of being a registered nurse and this all HAPPENED. I was mad at myself for doing this to not only me but also to my family.

I know my parents were worried and concerned. My mom always asked if I was okay or that we should see a doctor. I told them reasons why i didn’t do it sooner. But what is done has already been done and all we could do is move on.

I have learned so much from this and i basically got a second chance at life. I could have died.  I could have dropped dead at work with a stroke or at home. I have family that I have to take care of and make proud of. I want them to be happy. I hate seeing them struggle.

I fight everyday with my thoughts. Sometimes I ignore. Sometimes I face it. Right now I have to face this road block and get through it day by day. I just have to take care of my mental and physical health.

I’m going to make an effort to write more. If you have made it this far. Thank you for reading.

My Ex-Mas Story

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

I do have to apologize for my long absence.

I was going through some things and then something magical happened

I met someone and fell for him.

He did everything right and said the right things.

But…It was all an act.

He broke up with me because of a dream. He broke up with me one week before Christmas.

The dream was we were both in bed and I turn over. His back is facing me and as I reach out, the further and further he went until he disappeared. The room was also filled with a fog or mist.

We had lunch the day before the break up and I started tearing up. He asked why and I told him about the dream. He assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. I felt better that day and we spent the rest of the day happy.

The next morning, THE BREAK UP.

We wake up at the same time and I turn over. HE is looking at me. I start to feel myself tearing up and I can’t help it. The tears fall and he asks why I am crying. I tell him about the dream. HE gets really upset and the whole morning turns to us crying and him thinking I don’t want to not be with him. He thinks I am not happy with him. I just tell him about the dream and about my fear of losing him. Finally he says we are done and that I had to leave. I told him I don’t want to but he goes on and say “I need to”. He says I need to find what makes me happy. He helps me bring all my things down to my car. Before we separate he tells me that I will always have a place in his heart and that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. He walks away and I pull to give him a hug. A long and tight hug because I didn’t want to let go.

I drive home, cry for an hour and a friend of mine texts me. I tell them about what happened and we meet to have a late lunch.

I drive by my ex-boyfriend’s place. and get a call from my friend and they ask me if I drove by.  Just  a note: MY friend is my ex-boyfriend’s neighbor.

My friend goes on to tell me that he saw my ex-boyfriend kissing another girl.

NOT EVEN 24 hours when we broke up and he had another girl over.

It tore me to pieces. My heart sank. I parked my car and I started crying. I never cried so hard. I never felt so betrayed in my life.

I felt like a fool.

He played me really good.

The day after the break-up, Monday, I am at work and it is also our christmas party. Everyone is happy and I am being positive and hiding all the sadness away.

He texts me “hi”. I totally ignore the message.

An hour later he texts and says. “SO you are going to ignore me now. Ok. I understand. I was trying to be nice. Goodbye then.”

Really? Why would he text me? What was the point?

 

Here’s a shot……

And a small glass hits the bar. I looked at it and time froze. Memories of when I got drunk and what it did to my body physically and emotionally started to pile up. I answered with a quick “Nope….. I appreciate it but nope.” 

My friend looks at me and says “What have you done with (insert my name here)?”

I replied, “She is not here anymore. That person has died.”

My friend gives me a combination of looks of confusion, disguise and what the fuck?

Then comes the peer pressure and the guilt trip. 

I don’t hear any of it. All it sounds like is the teacher on Snoopy. I have absolutely no clue what my friend is saying and I’m thinking I don’t have to explain why. 

This goes on throughout the whole night. My friend is explaining to everyone we know that I decided not to drink alcohol and I’m at a bar. My friend continues to say why are you at a bar if you are not going to drink? 

Constant negative comments and it’s always about them. 

Then it hit me at the moment. I don’t really know this person. I have never really hanged out with them. I have never really talked to them. I have never had a deep conversation with this person. Are we friends or are we just acquainted with each other?

I leave once this “friend” loses sight of me. 

I don’t want to deal with their drama and bullshit so I leave and smile. 

What was I thinking? That person is a toxic individual and I will continue to take out toxic people in my life. 

I’m going through a detox mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Please arrive in

Timely manner

I was going through a lot a couple of months ago. So I decided to download the app “TINDER”. Within a manner of 30 minutes I got 45 matches. The funniest was this guy who had a picture of himself in front of the mirror and his back was face towards the mirror. The first I noticed was his bare ass. The next couple of pictures was of him with a thong on. I amused and interested about what he was thinking when he did this and I immediately swiped right. We matched and he sent the first message asking what do I think of his pictures. I told him he needed better lighting and bathroom pictures suck. I tried to answer him differently and it set some kind of spark in him. He then goes on to tell me that it was an experiment and that I was the first person to answer him the way I did. When he did match with women they would go eww or ask him what he was thinking. We talked for almost a month and he finally wanted to meet. His last text to me was “Please arrive in a timely manner.” Well I did arrive in a timely manner and he never showed up. Tinder failed me. He texted me back with an excuse but I unmatched him right after he sent that message and deleted the app.  

Going back…..

It’s been several months since my last post and I must apologize to the few subscribers/readers that I have on here. I have been in this emotional wave. Well it’s a mix of things and me trying to figure what exactly it is I’m feeling and evaluating my life and the experiences that I have had. 

I was talking to two guys last year that ended in a bad note. 

The first one broke up with me because I was too caring. What I said was super sensitive and he decided to break up with me. There were a couple of things that he was going through and I understood that but he was pushing me away. I could read that. We bumped into each other one month after the break up and I was super bitter about it and when I did bump into him it was super awkward for me.  He goes on to text me a couple of hours later saying “it was nice running into you.” Like what the fuck? Anyways, I replied with one word answers. Christmas comes along and I text him Merry Christmas. We talk once in awhile but it’s only when he texts me. I never text him after christmas. February comes  and he is texting me a lot and even tells me that he will be going back home for vacation. He is back home and basically tells me he is sorry and that I could have been the one. By the way this is the second time this happened. I was in Bali last year and he was back home and he wanted to start things over again. Well coming back to the future and he is texting me late February that he has two things to ask me. One was if i would go to Japan with him. The second question he would ask me “IN PERSON”.   I know when he is coming back and I wait for him to text me even on the day he comes back and no text. TWO weeks pass by and he texts me.  I ask him about what the second question was and still haven’t had a reply from him. I could see that he read the message. 

The second guy. This one is just all kinds of messed up in the head. I met him at a bar I used to work at. We got close and even grew to like each other. I believed things were going well. I was being a good friend. He has some deep rooted mental issues. He makes up these lies in his head that I did something or told someone about us. He made up something in his head about me and tells me that is how I am. It just kept building up and I got sick of it and was honestly hurt by the things he said to me and the way he treated me. I finally forgave him because that’s all I could do you know. I believe in forgiving people. Just this past Sunday he wanted to hang out and I told him that I was busy with some friends. I told him to wait an hour. An hour goes by I call him and he says that he is going out and he would call in 15mins. He never called that night and the next day he had the audacity to text me “hello”. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I know what is wrong with you! YOu are a self absorbed lying piece of shit and that’s why your wife left you. She is in love with someone else and she is going to have his baby! 

I have done this to myself countless times and in the end have always been disappointed with men that of course don’t put much effort in trying to get to know me or hang out with me. I slap myself each time and each time I ask myself “WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?” WHY DO WE THIS?  

I know that I shouldn’t stoop to being that low. That I deserve someone that would put effort into getting to know me and wanting to be with me. Small things like being courteous and considerate about my feelings instead of theirs. Someone who is emotionally and mentally mature. Someone that respects me and my feelings. 
 

What’s next

I have been in this kind of rut. Not sure how to feel. What to feel. If I am even feeling anything. Just emotions everywhere and then no where. I have to constantly find it. To feel it. My life right now has been dull. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to her. I sometimes feel like she is slipping away. Or is it I that is slipping away.

I have been talking to someone new but that might end. I should end it. I have actually ended it saying we should just be friends but then I keep on going back to him. Doing the same things. Taking his constant verbal remarks like they didn’t bother me. Today I sent him a text of Good morning and he goes “i know what you’re doing”. I’m confused at this point and already mad. Like what the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t fucking do anything! What the fuck did I do now? FUCK! He goes on to say that I’m using a friends phone and texting him using a different phone. Like what the fuck! You are accusing me of something! Why does he turn everything so negative? UGH! FUCK! I’m done. I’m done being concerned about him. He’s a grown ass man. He could do what the fuck with his life. I don’t give a fuck anymore.

He hasn’t texted me since 10am.

Like I have grown to like him but after this morning I don’t know anymore how to feel about him. He brings out this madness in me that I don’t want to feel. I don’t need that in my life. Because it’s like a virus. It will eat away at my soul. At my being. I don’t feel like myself. Something has changed in me. Still trying to figure out what that may be.

Do I feel?

I was able to take care of a child today at the pediatric ward. They had me floating in the hospital. “Floating?”

Makes me think about floating in the ocean, floating in the sky. Then I get pictures of bodies. Lifeless ones.

Then I hear a cry. It’s a child. Probably around 7 years old. She is crying because one of the nurses poked her with a needle. They needed to start an IV on her. She was a very small stature and skinny. Her eyes were bulging out of her sockets and I could see the bones protruding out of her body. She looked like a little monster. This child has been fighting cancer for the past two years. In and out of hospitals. Still no cure. But her parents are not giving up. By looking at her it seems like she wants to give up. She is tired of all the hospital visits. All the poking. All the tests. It’s like I could feel her pain. Her agony. I hear her when no one else is listening.

I want to take her away. Take her to a mystical place. Her mystical place. The child then goes into a seizure for a minute and then she stops. We check to see if she is breathing. I could feel her soul slip from her fragile body.

I blink and it never happened. She is staring at me like a deer caught in headlights. What do I do? I don’t pity her. I don’t feel her agony. I don’t feel her pay. I made up everything in my head. I constantly make up things like that in my head because I don’t know how to feel. I have searched for it but I can’t seem to have it.

I have questioned myself all my life. They call us “psychopaths”. We don’t have feelings or any conscience. It’s kind of narcissistic. What am I missing?

Was I born from two parents that didn’t have love for each other. Did they have souls? Do I have a soul?

There is just this emptiness. This void. No darkness or light. No balance. I’m in between.