Here’s a shot……

And a small glass hits the bar. I looked at it and time froze. Memories of when I got drunk and what it did to my body physically and emotionally started to pile up. I answered with a quick “Nope….. I appreciate it but nope.” 

My friend looks at me and says “What have you done with (insert my name here)?”

I replied, “She is not here anymore. That person has died.”

My friend gives me a combination of looks of confusion, disguise and what the fuck?

Then comes the peer pressure and the guilt trip. 

I don’t hear any of it. All it sounds like is the teacher on Snoopy. I have absolutely no clue what my friend is saying and I’m thinking I don’t have to explain why. 

This goes on throughout the whole night. My friend is explaining to everyone we know that I decided not to drink alcohol and I’m at a bar. My friend continues to say why are you at a bar if you are not going to drink? 

Constant negative comments and it’s always about them. 

Then it hit me at the moment. I don’t really know this person. I have never really hanged out with them. I have never really talked to them. I have never had a deep conversation with this person. Are we friends or are we just acquainted with each other?

I leave once this “friend” loses sight of me. 

I don’t want to deal with their drama and bullshit so I leave and smile. 

What was I thinking? That person is a toxic individual and I will continue to take out toxic people in my life. 

I’m going through a detox mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Please arrive in

Timely manner

I was going through a lot a couple of months ago. So I decided to download the app “TINDER”. Within a manner of 30 minutes I got 45 matches. The funniest was this guy who had a picture of himself in front of the mirror and his back was face towards the mirror. The first I noticed was his bare ass. The next couple of pictures was of him with a thong on. I amused and interested about what he was thinking when he did this and I immediately swiped right. We matched and he sent the first message asking what do I think of his pictures. I told him he needed better lighting and bathroom pictures suck. I tried to answer him differently and it set some kind of spark in him. He then goes on to tell me that it was an experiment and that I was the first person to answer him the way I did. When he did match with women they would go eww or ask him what he was thinking. We talked for almost a month and he finally wanted to meet. His last text to me was “Please arrive in a timely manner.” Well I did arrive in a timely manner and he never showed up. Tinder failed me. He texted me back with an excuse but I unmatched him right after he sent that message and deleted the app.  

Going back…..

It’s been several months since my last post and I must apologize to the few subscribers/readers that I have on here. I have been in this emotional wave. Well it’s a mix of things and me trying to figure what exactly it is I’m feeling and evaluating my life and the experiences that I have had. 

I was talking to two guys last year that ended in a bad note. 

The first one broke up with me because I was too caring. What I said was super sensitive and he decided to break up with me. There were a couple of things that he was going through and I understood that but he was pushing me away. I could read that. We bumped into each other one month after the break up and I was super bitter about it and when I did bump into him it was super awkward for me.  He goes on to text me a couple of hours later saying “it was nice running into you.” Like what the fuck? Anyways, I replied with one word answers. Christmas comes along and I text him Merry Christmas. We talk once in awhile but it’s only when he texts me. I never text him after christmas. February comes  and he is texting me a lot and even tells me that he will be going back home for vacation. He is back home and basically tells me he is sorry and that I could have been the one. By the way this is the second time this happened. I was in Bali last year and he was back home and he wanted to start things over again. Well coming back to the future and he is texting me late February that he has two things to ask me. One was if i would go to Japan with him. The second question he would ask me “IN PERSON”.   I know when he is coming back and I wait for him to text me even on the day he comes back and no text. TWO weeks pass by and he texts me.  I ask him about what the second question was and still haven’t had a reply from him. I could see that he read the message. 

The second guy. This one is just all kinds of messed up in the head. I met him at a bar I used to work at. We got close and even grew to like each other. I believed things were going well. I was being a good friend. He has some deep rooted mental issues. He makes up these lies in his head that I did something or told someone about us. He made up something in his head about me and tells me that is how I am. It just kept building up and I got sick of it and was honestly hurt by the things he said to me and the way he treated me. I finally forgave him because that’s all I could do you know. I believe in forgiving people. Just this past Sunday he wanted to hang out and I told him that I was busy with some friends. I told him to wait an hour. An hour goes by I call him and he says that he is going out and he would call in 15mins. He never called that night and the next day he had the audacity to text me “hello”. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I know what is wrong with you! YOu are a self absorbed lying piece of shit and that’s why your wife left you. She is in love with someone else and she is going to have his baby! 

I have done this to myself countless times and in the end have always been disappointed with men that of course don’t put much effort in trying to get to know me or hang out with me. I slap myself each time and each time I ask myself “WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?” WHY DO WE THIS?  

I know that I shouldn’t stoop to being that low. That I deserve someone that would put effort into getting to know me and wanting to be with me. Small things like being courteous and considerate about my feelings instead of theirs. Someone who is emotionally and mentally mature. Someone that respects me and my feelings. 
 

What’s next

I have been in this kind of rut. Not sure how to feel. What to feel. If I am even feeling anything. Just emotions everywhere and then no where. I have to constantly find it. To feel it. My life right now has been dull. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to her. I sometimes feel like she is slipping away. Or is it I that is slipping away.

I have been talking to someone new but that might end. I should end it. I have actually ended it saying we should just be friends but then I keep on going back to him. Doing the same things. Taking his constant verbal remarks like they didn’t bother me. Today I sent him a text of Good morning and he goes “i know what you’re doing”. I’m confused at this point and already mad. Like what the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t fucking do anything! What the fuck did I do now? FUCK! He goes on to say that I’m using a friends phone and texting him using a different phone. Like what the fuck! You are accusing me of something! Why does he turn everything so negative? UGH! FUCK! I’m done. I’m done being concerned about him. He’s a grown ass man. He could do what the fuck with his life. I don’t give a fuck anymore.

He hasn’t texted me since 10am.

Like I have grown to like him but after this morning I don’t know anymore how to feel about him. He brings out this madness in me that I don’t want to feel. I don’t need that in my life. Because it’s like a virus. It will eat away at my soul. At my being. I don’t feel like myself. Something has changed in me. Still trying to figure out what that may be.

Do I feel?

I was able to take care of a child today at the pediatric ward. They had me floating in the hospital. “Floating?”

Makes me think about floating in the ocean, floating in the sky. Then I get pictures of bodies. Lifeless ones.

Then I hear a cry. It’s a child. Probably around 7 years old. She is crying because one of the nurses poked her with a needle. They needed to start an IV on her. She was a very small stature and skinny. Her eyes were bulging out of her sockets and I could see the bones protruding out of her body. She looked like a little monster. This child has been fighting cancer for the past two years. In and out of hospitals. Still no cure. But her parents are not giving up. By looking at her it seems like she wants to give up. She is tired of all the hospital visits. All the poking. All the tests. It’s like I could feel her pain. Her agony. I hear her when no one else is listening.

I want to take her away. Take her to a mystical place. Her mystical place. The child then goes into a seizure for a minute and then she stops. We check to see if she is breathing. I could feel her soul slip from her fragile body.

I blink and it never happened. She is staring at me like a deer caught in headlights. What do I do? I don’t pity her. I don’t feel her agony. I don’t feel her pay. I made up everything in my head. I constantly make up things like that in my head because I don’t know how to feel. I have searched for it but I can’t seem to have it.

I have questioned myself all my life. They call us “psychopaths”. We don’t have feelings or any conscience. It’s kind of narcissistic. What am I missing?

Was I born from two parents that didn’t have love for each other. Did they have souls? Do I have a soul?

There is just this emptiness. This void. No darkness or light. No balance. I’m in between.

You were meant to be here.

We are meant to be here. Your life does have a purpose

A couple of years ago, I was in a rut. I just failed a test that needed me to move on to my the next chapter of my story. I was beat. I was stressed. I failed my teachers, friends and family. I was ready for the test. I prepared as much as I can.

After I took the test, I had no feeling of being relieved. I was sad. I cried my eyes out in my car or what I thought were tears because it was sooo HOT that day.

I waited for the official results. I got the results and didn’t open it open for another week. I knew. I had this feeling already. I didn’t want to handle it. So I finally opened it and I failed. Those words of “have not passed” beat me up. IT tore me down and I just wanted to burn the paper.

A couple of years is actually 5 years. I took the test again and waited for three months before I had to take it. I failed again. The third time I waited almost 4 years which was just last year. I took it again and failed again.

It’s been 8 months. I am planning on taking it again.

I realized after my trip that we all have  choice of how we are going to go through the day and how we are going to deal with certain situations. I know I have a purpose in this life. I know that I am bound for greatness and success. I little failure shouldn’t put you down. You have to fail to succeed. Fall 100 times and get up 100 times. No matter what never give up on your dreams and the goals you want to accomplish. Yes, it will be hard. But work through it and in the end you will be proud of yourself.

ONE…TWO…THREE..

BREATHE……..

Being Asian and a woman,  I was always taught at an early age to respect my elders.

I was happily cooking my food one day at home and my mom comes out of her room and basically blamed me for something I obviously didn’t do. She saw me do something and automatically thought I was the cause of something that happened earlier. I counted and breathed to calm myself down but something in me just snapped. I talked back to her and i got ANGRY. I got mad at her for accusing me of something I obviously didn’t do and the FACT that she didn’t get her facts straight. Then my dad comes out and says to stop screaming at my mom. For years….YEARS I held everything in. I never talked back to them but it was at that precise moment that I flipped. I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.

I was shouting at my parents, something I have never done in my life. I have always respected them and was always grateful for what they have done for me. They brought me into this world and they supported and guided me.

It’s like time was moving slowly for me at that moment. I was thinking about the times where I held my tongue and never said anything. I was remembering the times the words they say would hurt me and never said anything.

Everything that was built up was released in that moment. Did I regret doing it? NO.

I had to let it all out.

Graduation Time

The youngest person in my family is graduating today. I remember the feeling. The feeling of finally completing.

It was 8 years ago. I was graduating from the University with a nursing degree. It was probably one of the hardest things I went through. No social life. I didn’t really have any. I was so focused on school and my only friends were people I had met at my university. I lacked sleep, I was unhealthy due to the stress, binge eating and then not eating.

Why did it take 8 years? Well there are a lot of factors as to why. Number one being that I had to wait to get in to the program and then I failed a nursing class so I had to wait another year.

I could honestly say that I don’t miss it. I don’t miss going to school. What I miss was the people I met and the friends that I made. Even if I hardly talk to them now. Friends come and go. People have their own lives.

I just want to congratulate my sister on graduating today and she hit a milestone. She finished and went through high school. In three months she will be attending the University here.

PLEASE, MOUNT BATUR

SPARE ME!

DSC_0008

Woke up from my alarm and see that it’s 1:00am. I get ready and wait for a text from my tour guide that he is ready and waiting for me outside.

0220: “I’m here.”

At this moment, I am sooooo stoked to be “hiking/walking” the active volcano Mount Batur. My friends were talking about it and I read about the experiences people wrote about hiking Mount Batur….what I didn’t know was you also had to be “kind of fit” for this hike.

It took about an hour to get to our destination and I met up with my hike guide  name Jerro. I could have got it wrong but it sounded like “hero”…little did I know I would be calling him that a lot.

They gave me tea and also two bottles of water.

0400am: Hero says to me “Ready?”… and I think to myself “Yup! Totally”

We are walking for about 30mins and my I could feel my legs slowly ache. I was telling myself don’t this right now. NOpe nope. You are not even half way!! Come on!!! Get it together. Here you have a 100lb hike guide that probably could run this mountain!

I suddenly feel my stomach rumble and I knew what was coming. Ohhhh and it came. I lied to my hike guide and told him that I need to pee…..nope I totally had to do the other thing…have a bowel movement. Yes. I did it. I pooped in the volcano. I said I was sorry. It is a natural fertilizer. It was a good thing I had those baby wipes in my bag.

Mind you…I was holding a backpack carrying a dslr camera, a gorilla pod, three water bottles, and my go pro. So the weight was okay…oh it did it get heavier.

An hour and a half into the hike and we were not even at the half way point and he tells me that it will get harder.

So basically the maximum time is 2hours up the mountain and two hours down the mountain. Which comes to a total of 4 hours. Wait I mean the VOLCANO which is still ACTIVE!

My legs just kept cramping up but I wasn’t about to be the weak one and stop because there were a bunch of other people behind us and I didn’t want to slow everyone down.

Its when the third hour hit and my legs were in pain. I know I could handle it but I knew they were about to give out and that’s when Hero was telling me to save my energy because it is harder going down.

So i took that advice and took more breaks. Everyone surpassed us and we were basically the last ones. There were older people passing me. I even asked him what’s the oldest customer you have had hike this volcano and he tells me a 70yr old man who didn’t even take any breaks. I was surprised and amazed.

We had reached the half way point at hour 4 and we were still far away from the top. I was disappointed in myself and hated the fact that I was cramping up and taking multiple breaks. But Hero was so patient with me he even took my bags and was carrying up the mountain already. We could see the the dark turn into dark shades of blue and then bright blue and then yellow and there were clouds around us. It was such a beautiful site and I haven’t even reached the top yet.

Hero was telling me that we were almost there and to keep going but slowly. It was even a higher climb and I was about to pass out or my legs were about to give out and I thought to my head ‘Please, mount batur be good to me. Let me finish this hike. Spare me.” But as I inched closer to leveled land and reached the top and turned around and saw the sight in front of me I realized that Mount Batur does not spare anyone. If you want to make it up this hike and say that all that pain and suffering was worth it..Do the hike and suffer the pain. The pain disappears once you take in the beauty of what you accomplished and what you see before you. You are amongst the clouds and amongst the beauty surrounding Mount Batur. You conquered not only the mountain but yourself. You didn’t give up. I didn’t give up. I took out the thought in my head of caring what people were thinking about me hiking up this mountain like a snail. It was my own pace and I did it on  my own with the help of Hero. I can’t thank him enough. He helped me through it.

The picture that you see above was taken as soon as I reached the top. I got my bag, took out my camera and took the picture. It was a perfect moment for me. The perfect moment when the clouds were quickly passing by the mountain and we slowly saw the beautiful landscape and lake batur below. It was magnificent and I was so lucky to experience it.