It’s been several months since my last post and I must apologize to the few subscribers/readers that I have on here. I have been in this emotional wave. Well it’s a mix of things and me trying to figure what exactly it is I’m feeling and evaluating my life and the experiences that I have had.
I was talking to two guys last year that ended in a bad note.
The first one broke up with me because I was too caring. What I said was super sensitive and he decided to break up with me. There were a couple of things that he was going through and I understood that but he was pushing me away. I could read that. We bumped into each other one month after the break up and I was super bitter about it and when I did bump into him it was super awkward for me. He goes on to text me a couple of hours later saying “it was nice running into you.” Like what the fuck? Anyways, I replied with one word answers. Christmas comes along and I text him Merry Christmas. We talk once in awhile but it’s only when he texts me. I never text him after christmas. February comes and he is texting me a lot and even tells me that he will be going back home for vacation. He is back home and basically tells me he is sorry and that I could have been the one. By the way this is the second time this happened. I was in Bali last year and he was back home and he wanted to start things over again. Well coming back to the future and he is texting me late February that he has two things to ask me. One was if i would go to Japan with him. The second question he would ask me “IN PERSON”. I know when he is coming back and I wait for him to text me even on the day he comes back and no text. TWO weeks pass by and he texts me. I ask him about what the second question was and still haven’t had a reply from him. I could see that he read the message.
The second guy. This one is just all kinds of messed up in the head. I met him at a bar I used to work at. We got close and even grew to like each other. I believed things were going well. I was being a good friend. He has some deep rooted mental issues. He makes up these lies in his head that I did something or told someone about us. He made up something in his head about me and tells me that is how I am. It just kept building up and I got sick of it and was honestly hurt by the things he said to me and the way he treated me. I finally forgave him because that’s all I could do you know. I believe in forgiving people. Just this past Sunday he wanted to hang out and I told him that I was busy with some friends. I told him to wait an hour. An hour goes by I call him and he says that he is going out and he would call in 15mins. He never called that night and the next day he had the audacity to text me “hello”. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I know what is wrong with you! YOu are a self absorbed lying piece of shit and that’s why your wife left you. She is in love with someone else and she is going to have his baby!
I have done this to myself countless times and in the end have always been disappointed with men that of course don’t put much effort in trying to get to know me or hang out with me. I slap myself each time and each time I ask myself “WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?” WHY DO WE THIS?
I know that I shouldn’t stoop to being that low. That I deserve someone that would put effort into getting to know me and wanting to be with me. Small things like being courteous and considerate about my feelings instead of theirs. Someone who is emotionally and mentally mature. Someone that respects me and my feelings.