Never been to a

Circus

I really haven’t. I live in a small place and not a lot happens here. The only circus I have ever seen was watching it through the T.V. or seeing pictures of the circus. As I grew older it’s like that form of entertainment has gone away. Not a lot of people go or they are no longer around. I always thought that the circus was a magical place. Here you have so many people from different places and they have these amazing talents. They were blessed with gifts. It was beautiful to see.

Then I read the night circus a couple of years ago. I thought the way the author described everything was very magical and wish something like that existed. I’m not quite sure who the author was but I really enjoyed reading the book that I finished it in one day.

 

GOT BIT BY THE WANDERLUST BUG

I’m finally back home from my trip to Indonesia and Thailand. It was an amazing trip and I loved every minute of it. Yes, I traveled alone and yes I was afraid but once I got there the fear faded away.

I am just so lucky to have the life I have and I’m able to travel the world. I just have to set my mind on it and I could do it. I remember driving to work and I saw a plane in the sky. I told myself I will be in you. A couple of months later, I was in a plane and heading to my first destination for a lay over.

I stayed in Bali, specifically Ubud and I was able to get a tour guide to take me around. The most memorable and most unforgetable is hiking Mount Batur and reaching the top. My guide was so patient with me and we completed it in five hours. My legs were like jello by the end of the hike. I just wanted to shower, get a massage and sleep the rest of the day. But you know what? I didn’t. I walked around, met some awesome locals and also other travelers and had the time of my life. I wasn’t in Bali long but I will definitely be back to stay longer or maybe even live in. The life there is more relaxed then back home.

Last day at Bali I decided to check out one of the popular bars. I met some people and danced the night away. I left around 12pm so that I could be well rested and pack all of my things. On my way walking back to my place, one of the locals asked if I wanted to be dropped off but I told him I was close by and it wasn’t nescessary. He said he would be happy too but then there was another traveler talking in english and was like “come over and have a beer”. SO I went over to the closed restaurant/bar and as soon as I was there he had an Australian accent. WE almost talked for two hours and he decided to walk me back to my place. While walking there he decided to hold my hand. We got to my place and I invited him in. He was drunk so I told him to stay and spend the night because I don’t want anything to happen to him because the night before he got into an accident when his friend drove his scooter. I told him to get comfortable and I decided to take a shower. I cam out and he was already asleep. I laid down and then asks me “do you still want a massage?” and I thought to myself who wouldn’t want a free massage and I said yes. Many other things happened but I’m not going to discuss further. My last day in Bali was an amazing day.

I stayed in Phuket and was able to rent out a condo. IT was a beautiful condo and the tenant I rented it from also included a scooter. I basically was busy everyday. THe day after I got there I did the Phi phi island hopping tour, next day thai cooking class, then next day watched the siram niramit show and did the flying hanuman. Then the next day I went on a boatcruise that took us to these caves with guides that were paddling canoes and we got to see the sunset. Then I hired a driver/tour guide and I got to see snakes, monkeys, tigers and elephants.He also took me to the famous Bangla Road and I hung out at a nightclub and met other travellers and we danced the night away again. I had to leave by midnight and they didn’t want me to. I had to though.

Phuket was amazing. I had the greatest experience ever. Just thinking to myself and seeing how lucky I am to be living. I realized that I should forgive “hey dear”. The guy that broke up with me. We finally met up and we talked. Everything is good with us. We will see what happens.

I will be traveling again in a few months. I’m so excited.

Hey how are you dear

Almost three months have gone by and he says this. The message was from the last guy I was dating and he broke up with me.

I replied back.

We continue texting each other and he says “I need to hang out with you…….then again I’ll probably fall in love with you lmfao”

The conversation turns into how he misses me and that he fucked up. He pushed me away because he was growing feelings for me fast and he was scared. So he had to break up with me and push me away.

I asked him what triggered him to message me and he says he was sitting near a river in Ohio and he realized that he really missed me and that he fucked up.

He wants to try again. I’m half in and half out. I told him straight out that I need him to show me. To show some effort that he wants to be with me. I did mostly everything to hang out with him. I made all the effort. But from the things that I learned the guy has to really who the effort that he wants  you. He will do everything to hang out with you. He will tell you right away that  you are the one for him. That you are a diamond in the rough.

it really took him this break up to realize that I was good for him and that I was the one that got away.

It was awkward. I didn’t know how to respond. I just had to respond honestly and how I felt at the moment. Yes I still have feelings for him and yes I miss him as well. We learn from our experience and our mistakes. We both have grown.

I told him how I felt about everything and he says he will I’m worth it. He wants me back. He wants to correct what he did wrong before.

I spoke to my best friend and sister about it. My sister says let him do everything. He fucked up so don’t even lift a finger. If he wants to hang out..he will ask you. My best friend doesn’t think he’s the one for me and that I want to settle. But she supports whatever decision I make.

He asked to hang out when he gets back and I told him my only free day was Saturday. Then tells me he has a party to attend and to come over to his place after 5 so that we could go swimming.

We are going to take things slow. I don’t know how he will be when he gets back. I mean he is somewhere else and on vacation. He’s thoughts and feelings could change. So we will see. Everything is just text to me. It doesn’t mean anything if I don’t see the action.

This just brings back memories of the guy I told last year that I loved him and he totally burned me. Stop talking to me. Didn’t even respond back to my message. It was a time when I was down and there were deaths happening and then my father was at the hospital. I just had to tell him how I felt because we have no clue what the next day will bring. I have always been the one to hold back how I felt because I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection and heart break. Well I told him I loved him. He obviously wasn’t ready for that. It pushed him away. It scared him.Maybe he wasn’t ready. I just have to send out my love and let go. I don’t think I have fully let go of him. Which i need to. Because it isn’t healthy. I honestly saw something with him. But it was a dud. It was a fail.

Now I’m in this situation with this guy. I’m scared to go back. I’m scared to forgive him. I’m scared to have my heart broken again.

Love gained….love lost

I don’t recall where I read this but I saved it on my laptop and found it and read it. I thought more people should read this because it definitely helped me move on with my life and not dwell on someone who didn’t feel the same way I did. 

It’s hard

but

it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time;

or

You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not;

or

You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way, ever;

or

You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love;

or

This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.
You recall your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right?

What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?

You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.

It’s frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn’t come close to being what you are. You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn’t see it. This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid. And your ex is enthralled none the less. What?

Or this person just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. There is nothing and no one else. Wait. You’re choosingNOTHING over me? What?

Sometimes you think it would be easier if there WAS someone else.

But nothing? How can I compete with nothing? Why SHOULD I compete with nothing? Isn’t having me better than not having anyone? Am I so bad that you choose nothing over me?

Or your ex has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask.

The answer is please leave me alone.

You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? WHAT?

The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love and the questions, questions, questions.

Part of you refuses to believe it. It CAN’T be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.

My suggestion is to STOP and not do anything, which, in the beginning, is the hardest thing to do. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and are doing your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it’s over.

It’s natural to deny it, but it’s important to believe it. You can take your time but youhave to move in the direction of believing it, because it’s true. Let it slowly sink in and do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something. And that’s because you are. Your natural inclination is to DO something, which is the thing you must not do.

After you start to believe it and allow yourself to NOT do anything, you will start to feel the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a huge hit from feeling rejection.

At this point the urge to DO something returns. You start to take all the responsibility for the ending. You see your mistakes and shortcomings under a big magnifying glass. No wonder why you were left. You’re simply a big loser and you need to work, fast, on becoming the person that your ex will love again. You revisit things that your ex complained about; you make things up; your mind reels with ideas of how to change into someone easier to love.

I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn’t stand. I’ll go back to school. I’ll stop going to school. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I’ll work in a different industry. I’ll muzzle my kids. I’ll clean more. I’ll clean less. I’ll cook gourmet meals. I’ll listen when spoken to. I’ll go to bed earlier. I’ll go to bed later. I’ll go to church. I’ll stop going to church. I’ll pray. I’ll bargain with God. I’ll help the poor. I’ll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I’ll give my next paycheck to the church. I’ll join the Peace Corps. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I’ll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I’ll do it all. I’ll do nothing. I’ll be more. I’ll be less. I’ll be everything and anything other than what I’m being right now. I’ll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it.

STOP.

Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else (now and until forever). Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. FORGET IT.

Every relationship is a learning experience. In each relationship we learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating. We all have regrets and things we wish we could do over. A relationship shines a light on all the things we need to change and every breakup gives us the opportunity to work hard on ourselves. But it’s not for someone else or to be loved. It’s for our own self-improvement and our own progress.

What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Do the Relationship Inventory in theGetting Past Your Breakup book. Think about ways to change things that need to change. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, just REJECT IT.

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem.

It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.

However, it’s important to take it in stride. Take rejection in stride? Yes. That’s easier said than done! Well, of course it is. Everything is easier said than done.

Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.

Seriously.

It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.

That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.

You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? Do you want someone who might really like you but not be “in a good place” to commit. Oh PULEESE. No, you do not. You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.

Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waiting around for him or her to “get it.” The hell with anyone who doesn’t get it. And “the hell with them” doesn’t have to be in a mean way, but in a “I’m moving on…” way. Sometimes it’s just not “it” and no one has an explanation for it. You can bang your head against the wall all you like because you thought it was “it,” but the simple truth is for it to be it both people have to think it’s it. And this person doesn’t think it’s it, so it’s not it. And the hell with that. You don’t need to convince anyone how good you are or how good you two are together. The person for you will KNOW it and not need any lectures or convincing.

Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. And many people will say, “But I can help you get THERE and be in that place!” but you can’t no matter how much you want to or no matter how much you would want someone to help you if the positions were reversed. It’s just something you have to move beyond and accept. Not think about “closure” or “explanations” or “second chances.” You need to worry about accepting it, no matter how crazy it seems, and moving on.

Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other foot YOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time in their life, and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.

The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you no matter what the reason. The reasons might be things that are easy to work out, but this person doesn’t want to work it out. The reasons might be somewhat flimsy and stupid, but they’re still reasons that block your access to the love you want.

No matter what the reasons—real reasons, stupid reasons, made-up reasons—they are still very real to this person and you cannot spend your time trying to circumvent the reasons. The bottom line is that he or she does not want you. Yes, it hurts and it stings. And love is all about not about being hurt or stung by rejection. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it.

The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual.

Otherwise it’s not okay and it’s not love.

Reject the rejecter.

Stephen Levine said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”

Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.

And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF.

You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.

Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this bananahead. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be. Be you and be true to you and someone who is QUALITY will love you for you.

Use this relationship breakup to work on yourself and GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILL come into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.

Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.
Do your affirmations.

Tell yourself that Mr. or Ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime, work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings.

Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.

In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it if things are tough? They can’t.

Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There IS that person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value, will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she is NOT the one for you.

You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect for you will want to be with you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life is NOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you, doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.

If you’re trying to “win” in some way, ask yourself why? Does this go back to childhood? Are you trying to win over a cold and rejecting parent or caretaker? Are you trying to prove your self-worth by showing the world that someone else wants you?

Don’t.

Journal about the things you are trying to “win” over. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way way way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it. The hell with all the rejecters.

After you do the Relationship Inventory in the Getting Past Your Breakup book, do the Life Inventory and the Parent Inventory. It is through these inventories that the answer will come to you and allow you to change the dance steps you are doing.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you deeply and completely, unconditionally and without question.

In your pain you might not believe that it’s ever going to happen for you, but believe that it can.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

Be good to you.

Today.

And always.

Why don’t you come out anymore?

That was the constant question that was asked when I went out on Saturday.

It was annoying.

I wanted to pull my hair out.

I told some the truth and I told some a lie.

I really don’t like going out to the bars/clubs anymore. I have outgrown it.

Plus, I rather spend my money on my trip anyways.

I felt nothing being at the bar. Mind you I was inebriated because I had a employee appreciation party and there was an open bar.

It was a pretty crazy night. I had someone drive my car back to my house because one of my friends didn’t want me to drive. There was no way getting out of it.

One of the guys that I hung out with even told my friend and I not to. He even mentioned how he is a hypocrite because he has driven home drunk. He doesn’t want us doing that.

I don’t mean to be snobby but I feel I don’t have to explain to anyone why I don’t go out anymore.

I just wanted to tell them I want to spend my money on experiences rather than drinks.

FACE FEAR IN THE FACE

And I am more happier I did.

Fear has always stopped me from pursuing what I truly want.

I’m not longer afraid of rejection or others opinion of me.

Probably might fear of what I could become and face my “dark” self.

I was once the shy soft-spoken person in high school.

I was once the “push-over”

I was once stepped on, back-stabbed and manipulated.

Erase the thought of “fear” in your mind and you will be released from it’s chains.

Twenty-four

Twenty four hours in a day. Twenty-four days till my best friend leaves. It will also be the same day that I will be traveling to Indonesia and Thailand.

I am excited, nervous, happy and sad. I am sad because I will no longer be able to just visit my best friend right away because she will be thousands of miles away.

She was with me through my best days and my worst days. She is my sister from another mister. I love her with my whole heart and soul.

I am just sooo happy that she has found someone that could take care of her. Love her for who she is and love her whole being. She deserves that. She deserves to be happy. It’s great to see her glow and to see her smile.

The countdown is getting smaller and the closer the day is coming the feelings of sadness and happiness grow.

I know she will be fine and succeed where ever she will be.

One simple question

and that was the end.

The person that I was dating broke up with me on February 29. It was different because I didn’t cry or wallow. I was kind relieved that he did break up with me. It was a bad relationship and I continued it. I saw all the signs or what you like to call “RED FLAGS” and I put them aside. I don’t message him anymore. He is the one that messages me.

Basically I was putting all the effort or what seemed like it. I asked him a question “do you still want to date me?” because it seemed like he didn’t put any effort to hang out when he was off. There was always an excuse. He answered : we are done. Then I replied with ok that’s it and told him that he made that decision and I still wanted to date him. Then he answered back “i’m confused”. What was so confusing about my statement? Then he goes to say it’s my fault and that he saw foresaw it. I asked him if you foresaw it then why did you waste my time? HE didn’t have an answer for it. He dodged my question which he normally does. I didn’t talk to him for three days and then he messages me telling me about some tshirt he ordered for work that he got for me before we broke up and that I can have it if I want. Another couple of days later he messages me what’s up. I told him I was with friends for karaoke. HE tells me I will leave you alone. Several days later he messages me asking what’s up? Then telling me I am free to come over this place to swim. I thank him for the offer and tell him I will let him know. Most recent message from him was “HAPPY EASTER YO”. I replied back and no reply.

I’m through with him. He is toxic. He is selfish and he was an asshole. IF he really did like me like he said he did I believe he would have put out the effort to hangout with me.

Enough of the stupid drama.

My bestfriend booked her ticket and she is leaving in May. About a week ago I decided to check on united and see flights from home to Hawaii. I had enough miles. So i decided to do a trip from hawaii to japan. I still have enough miles. Anyways, I am going to be following my best friend to Hawaii and then I’m going to Japan afterwards. It was sort of a quick decision. I will be gone for two weeks and I will be traveling alone to Japan. Adventure is out there and I can’t wait.

I am so happy right now that I’m traveling but sad because once I get back home my best friend will no longer be there. Yes there is skype, whatsapp, facebook but I will not physically be able to hug her or sit next to her. It’s going to be different.

Excuses

I have put off this blog for awhile. I have been trying to figure things out and I should have been writing but I haven’t.

So far a lot of things have happened.

I am still seeing the person I was complaining about and my mother asked me if he was my boyfriend. WE haven’t really made anything official. We are dating. That is it.

My best friend has decided to move with her boyfriend in May. She will be following her sister back and then meeting up with her. It hasn’t really hit me yet. It probably will when she has the plane ticket or when we are both at the airport in tears.

I’m just happy she is finally happy with someone other than me.

I might have

overacted a bit on my last post.

I look back at the post and I slap myself each time I read it.

I’m so whiny.

It was about this guy I was seeing and I thought that our relationship would go to another level.

Well, I thought to early and got to excited to early.

I finally said what I needed to say to him and I have moved on.

After telling him all the things that I needed to now he is more attentive. Now he is talking to me more. It has made me more confused. He says he’s busy and doesn’t have time for a relationship and then goes on to tell me that he does want a relationship with me but just doesn’t have the time.

Yes, I am still talking to him.

Yes, I am still hanging out with him.

Today he says he misses me.

I questioned him and he replies with a duh.

:S